Crazy Grief, Mind-Shattering Heartbreak

I’ve heard people refer to the kind of grief that rattles the mind, that breaks the heart in two, that makes you question the reality you thought you were living in. I’ve heard people talk about it, but I never experienced it myself, not in a conscious way…

…until now.

Now I know what "those people” are talking about. I know the physical pain in the center of the chest. I know the sense of being shattered into a thousand pieces. I know the confusion of looking out the same window, seeing the same sights, and yet nothing looks the same. I am those people.

Oh Lord! When my mind goes to trying to make sense of things, like any good analyzer will do, then the craziness really explodes! Did I really experience that? Is anything I thought to be true, really true? What does 2+2 equal, now?

Many of you are aware that my Dad passed away in the middle of October (2019). He died after a 7 + year ride with Alzheimer’s, the last 3 of which he was virtually unable to communicate. As sad as it is to not have him on this earthly plane with us, his death is a release for him, and for those of us who love him. In addition, Dad has not been a part of my daily life for many, many years. His death, for me, is not mind blowing, or ego-shattering.

The same week, though, as many events and streams of energy lined up, my significant relationship began to completely and totally unravel. In ways that, through all of our challenges and previous separations, were utterly shocking. (You may read here “infidelity,” but I could have handled that.)

I don’t write this in any way to expose, blame, or denigrate this person in any way. I love him.

I write because it’s my current reality. Because I now have an understanding of what that earth-breaking-apart grief feels like. And because I think it deserves some words. Even though words will only partially express it. (Wailing and screaming are a little closer to the essence of it!)

And I write because I recognize the lack of rituals and loving, supportive containers that we have for such experiences. Even when we are experiencing the physical death of a loved one, have the wake, the obituary and the funeral, we don’t tend to talk about the more primal emotional and mental anguish.

Oh my! What about the children who experience sudden loss of a parent or sibling?? In a culture of hiding intense emotion! My mother is among many people I know closely who have experienced this agonizing loss! And whose emotions and life-shattering experience were completely ignored and overlooked.

With the death of a relationship, especially one without the communal container of marriage, we are totally left hanging! Even when folks get divorced, there’s not too many healing or spiritual rituals beyond going to a support group or getting on a dating website!

With Dad, we got to come from our different parts of the country, have prayers and a worship service, tell stories and celebrate his life. Not so, when a relationship dies! We feel broken, ashamed, unsettled, lost. With no sacred container to hold us.

There’s still the loss though. The smells, the touches. The shared meals and shared sense of humor. The deep conversations and the conversations about nothing. The arguments. The sound of a voice. The emotional, mental, spiritual, and physical ache.

Yes, there are circumstances and dynamics. There are reasons. There even may be a little freedom and relief. There is all kinds of inner child healing going on, let me tell you. But it doesn’t change the heartbreak and the loss. There was genuine connection, love, intimacy, friendship. We went to a part heaven, and then some of hell together. It creates this juxtaposition that I can’t make work in my mind. No sense is made. In that place, all the reasons in the world, and all of the gifts that are going to come out of it, make it “right.” Even when some part of me knows that it must be. Because it IS .

Oh, and there is that little thing of me being a therapist and a Spiritual Director. I clearly don’t have my relationship shit together! I’ve been having a show down with God too! The shame! There’s enough of that for it’s own separate article, I can assure you!

I know enough to see that the degree of my ego-disintegrating grief in the loss of this treasured relationship runs way more deep in me than the current situation. It most definitely contains within it the unexpressed grief of my mother’s traumatic loss in her childhood. And occasions of the loss of my own power in my early childhood. And the remnants of other losses.

I’m exploring all of that, and hope to share it with you as the journey unfolds.

So here I am, with my open heart, the bleeding mostly stopped. It’s been undergoing intensive surgery, of which the heart-break of break-up is just one phase. No longer in the grips of the intense pain, I can put these words together. Make no mistake - I am still grieving. I miss my guy like nobody’s business!

But I am coming out of the cage with it. I will continue to share. I offer gratitude for your attention. And healing for the grief you may find yourself walking through. I know it may feel like you are drowning sometimes! You are not alone. And neither am I!

Magical Wisdom from The Magdalene Retreat 2018, Part I

The Magdalene:  Wild and Wounded, Anointress, Beloved - A Retreat for Wisening Women debuted on July 20, 2018.  It was a profound and intimate experience, the seeds of which, I am quite sure, will be producing sprouts of growth, and ripened fruit for months to come for all of us who were present!  I intend for you,also, to experience some of the ripples of that magical weekend!  Let them roll over you in a refreshing and moving kind of way!

And men - please stay tuned!  An idea is gestating for a co-ed retreat - probably next Fall!  What I have to share applies to you too!

The weekend was, indeed, Magical!  With moments, and teachings, and synchronicities that spoke what mere words and even purposeful action struggle to relate.  Let me share a few lessons about Magic that I learned, and created space for.

THE MAGIC OF TRUST

You know those moments when you really have no choice but to trust?  Or any other choice will send you into a tailspin, a frenzy, or a freak-out?  I felt those moments as the retreat was drawing near.

Early in the week prior to the opening day of the retreat, my computer crashed.  It wasn't like there was anything critical to the workings of the retreat on it, but anything I may have wanted to print out, etc. - just to be organized and professional - wasn't going to happen! 

There were also those little extras that I had wanted to include - symbols of Mary Magdalene, artwork.  Details that I hadn't tended to.   I was feeling guilty about a "lackadaisacal" part of me that I thought may have taken over. 

And such a small group we had - would the participants feel like they were receiving a complete experience without more people to add their energy?

Deep within, though, I heard a Feminine voice calling me to trust Her.  I recognized that voice as Mary Magdalene.

She did not disappoint! 

There are many symbols associated with Mary Magdalene - symbols that appear over and over in the artwork, writings, and legends.  Among these are the chalice, the pomegranate, the fleur de lis, the unicorn.  One by one, throughout the weekend, the symbols began appearing, even though I had not collected them like I intended.  Pomegranate chocolate from HEB.  The fleur de lis printed on the front page of one woman's journal.  A unicorn on the angel card I drew the first night.  The "unicorn thread" that had been used for knitting a hat by one of the participants all weekend.  The use of "unicorn" as a term of endearment from another.  Upon reflection, we could all see how Mary Magdalene had been whispering to us throughout our time together.  Always guiding and supporting, always loving and encouraging.

Our group of 4 women  - a magical group to be sure!  Not to diminish how others could have or would have added beautiful energy - but it was clear that, as we are always invited to trust, the group was divinely formed.  The number 4 was perfect!  A number of bringing something into consciousness.  A number of stability and strength.  Those who participated, mature in their healing and spiritual journeys, came together, creating a nurturing and strong womb within which new life could be incubated.

For me, all of these signs and symbols, as well as witnessing how our little group came together, each one, was a little voice saying - "See - I told you.  This is all a part of a greater energy than yours.  It's all taken care of.  Just trust me."

You may not be planning a retreat, or any other event.  But chances are you have something going on in your life that needs you to take a step back, stop believing that it all relies on your energy or control, and trust.  Look around for the signs and symbols that leave no doubt that there is a greater energy supporting and guiding you.

There were at least two other themes of Magic in the weekend - I'll share those before too long - in Parts II and III of this blog post.  In the meantime, open yourself to what and how you might be invited to trust!

I mentioned that new life was/is being incubated.  Because it was immediately clear that this retreat does not stand alone - it is the beginning of something much bigger!  I can't say exactly what that "bigger" is yet, but it has to do with bringing men and women, masculine and feminine, strength and vulnerability, together.  It has to do with promoting the healing arts, as well as opening to a deep spirituality.  And it has to do with creating space to foster intimate partnership, and conscious relationship - with Mary Magdalene and Jesus as our guides.

While that idea is baking, I already have the next The Magdalene - A Retreat for Wisening Women retreat on the calendar!  I can't wait to share the experience with more amazing women who are looking to deepen their own healing and connection with the Divine - however it chooses to show up!

Alisa Carr/Eye of the Heart, Spiritual Director, DreamWorker, LCSW

My Dad and Me...And Alzheimer's

“You’re just gonna have to trust me.”

I heard the words fly out of my mouth before I could even think --- unusual for me, who analyzes everything before saying it. Especially noticeable because these particular words were addressed to my Dad.

In that moment, I saw and experienced myself in relation to my Dad in a whole new way --- as an adult. In that moment, I also knew that everything was changing between us. Now he needed me. I was the one with the answers, the solution, the literal map for the way forward.

Dad was lost. Dad, who taught me how to read a map, how to follow road signs. Dad, who I had trusted, always, to lead the way on windy mountain roads, through mountain trails, and through thickets, was lost. On a road with road signs.

About the third time he called me that November night, as he made his way from Georgia to Austin, hauling Grandpa Jim’s baby grand piano in a little trailer behind his truck, I suddenly got it.  

“Oh - I see what’s going on here!!”, I thought. My Dad has a sense of humor, and I assumed he had been teasing with his comments and questions, staying in touch with his calls to stay alert.

In that moment of clarity I realized what was actually happening.

My Dad was confused. And scared. He didn’t know where he was and he didn’t know how to find his way. Then and there, I knew that he had a “thing” going on in his brain, and that I needed to take charge.

Thus began the journey with Dad’s Alzheimer’s. The diagnosis wouldn’t come for a couple more months, and once it did, Dad referred to that trip with the piano, and my knowing that something wasn’t right with him, even though he couldn’t yet acknowledge that at the time. Once the diagnosis came, it made a lot of irritating and strange communications make much more sense.

Dad’s Alzheimer’s forced him into retirement. He had been a physician for almost 50 years. One of those doctors who works 18+ hour days, and goes to work on most of the holidays. Was he a workaholic? Maybe? But mostly, people’s lives depended on him --- he saved a lot of them. He was a Healer.

Being retired, Dad actually stayed in touch with my siblings and me much more than he had previously. We noticed a gentleness about him. He was more considerate and thoughtful. He was attentive, and loving.  

People with Alzheimer’s commonly experience a great deal of emotions in the beginning stages. Dad was a pretty emotional kind of guy anyway, so this wasn’t completely new. In the years just prior to his diagnosis, it seemed that every time we were together there were many tears flowing. It was kind of like a purging.

Dad had begun to express his pain, his sadness, his remorse and regret, for the way his actions during my childhood had impacted my siblings and me, and my mom. It was emotional for me too, because all of the things he had such sorrow and pain about, I had also experienced sorrow and pain from.

I am incredibly appreciative of those conversations ---that Dad was willing to talk about such tender subjects; that he was willing to sit with my pain and his own.

I am a therapist. A Spiritual Director. A DreamWorker. A Contemplative. I had been doing inner work for over 20 years by the time these conversations started taking place. It always amazes me --- and often frustrates me --- that an issue, or a period in life, that I have already spent so much time acknowledging, processing, and doing healing work on, keeps coming back up.  

With the compassionate and gentle approach of my own Spiritual Director, I came to just accept this as part of the journey. She would tell me that “healing is not linear --- healing is like a spiral.”

Even when we are becoming more conscious and intending to resolve our relationship with the past, or with people, we keep coming back around to the same issue, or the same painful memory. But that spiral is open - expanding or drilling down --- so we are constantly moving through, although it often feels like going round and round in circles.

My relationship with my Dad, and the relationship I had with my teenage self, who had experienced the pain of divorce and the impact of my particular family dynamics, had already spiraled around numerous times. I had been doing my work.

It’s not like I was intending to be prepared for my Dad to lose himself, the parts of him that I knew and felt connected and attached to. But that’s what happened. In the moment when I saw clearly, I had already tended to my inner vulnerabilities in such a way that no thinking was required to respond.

To say, “You’re just going to have to trust me, Dad.”

I had created space within so that the deepest parts of my Being ---my inner wisdom and strength---could just flow through.

At least that’s how I’ve come to view it. I was emotionally and mentally prepared to take the reins and go find my Dad --- who was lost.  

I can hear the words, “nothing can prepare you for the decline of your parents,” especially the way that Alzheimer’s hijacks a person’s senses and personality. I think that’s probably true. But I will also tell you that I think there is something that can soften the blow.

And that is to have worked through the "Daddy issues" before the crisis point. To have grown up on the inside. To have listened to the areas of loss and pain and hurt. To have acknowledged how my protectiveness from those vulnerabilities had impacted my life and decisions and relationships.

Dad is now toward the end-stages of Alzheimer’s, requiring him to live in a facility. He can’t communicate very much, and if the hallways were made of grass (I so wish they were!),  he would have worn a path with how much he walks them.

I miss the Dad that he used to be, but I also love the Dad that I find each time I go to visit.

It’s emotional, for sure, initially, not being able to connect in the way that feels natural and comfortable. But I have come to look forward to simply Being with him. Sharing the same space, breathing the same air, knowing that soul and spirit connect in ways that are far beyond words, or reason, or logic.

It only requires my presence and attention; and then, every once in a while, he looks up and holds my eyes with his bright blue gaze. Yes, I am contemplative by nature. I also know that my years of inner work, contemplative prayer, and ability to be in Stillness have prepared me for this.  

I am so grateful.

Alisa

Sacred Space - Containing and Transforming

Let's talk about containers...cocoons, wombs, caves...Circles.  And I'll throw in a little about squares too.

Over the years, in my work and study with dreams, and learning Dreamwork, I have become quite familiar with the idea of sacred space.  That is - space that is designated for doing deep and healing inner work.  The Greek word for this concept is temenos.  That's where the square comes in.  It's why we have square churches and square courtyards, square courtrooms, and square baseball diamonds.  They contain.  (In 2013, when I was beginning the shift in my own work, I wanted to name the business "Temenos."  The name was already taken!)

A few years later, I was reminded of the concept of the Sacred Circle in a Jungian DreamWork class.  It is the same idea, but comes from a different tradition.  "It is an old Goddess ritual to bathe--purify--to don the white gown--the garb of descent to the land of the dead--and to draw a circle of magic protection--sacred thought--around oneself." (from Women Who Run with the Wolves, Clarissa Pinkola Estes).

In my class, the professor encouraged us to create some type of circle when doing dreamwork, active imagination, or any other type of inner work that would engage the unconscious.  A message to both the conscious mind, and the vast contents of the unconscious, that "I am serious - I want to listen - I want to go deep!"  

So I began gathering my precious items - hunks of rose quartz and other crystals, rosaries, metal crosses, artwork - and forming a Circle around the space that I was doing some type of inner work, creating a program, or writing what I intended to share publicly.  I was creating a Sacred Circle in which to bring that which was coming out of the unconscious, into my conscious mind. (I used to worry that if someone were watching this behavior they would have had some serious questions about my mental stability - but I did it anyway!)

I realized I had been doing this for years!  Building and walking labyrinths.  Turning my round glass top table into an altar.  Painting the Celtic triad in my house.  And beginning to meet in Circle with other women, mostly, under the guidance of Heather Elizabeth of SHE.  

The significance of how I had been tapping into the energy of the Sacred Circle - how it had been holding me, protecting me, providing a container for growth and transformation - was brought to my awareness in such an incredibly synchronistic way! See Dreams, Synchronicity and The Handless Maiden for this story!

Maybe you are beginning to see the back story of how I have come to take this work so seriously.  There is nothing that I ask you to consider investing in - whether that be time, energy, practice, or money, that I haven't done myself.  

My journey continues - I am amazed at what keeps unfolding - and unfolding, like a never ending opening of a beautiful flower!  And I want that for you!  I suspect that you are wanting it for yourself too, or you wouldn't even be taking the time to read this blog.

How do you want to begin?  I have laid out the options for ways I can accompany you on your own journey - the treasure hunt, I like to think of it.  Just click on the link.  Everything you will find there allows you to begin to experience that sacred container, in varying degrees.  

And know this - no matter when you choose to peel back your own layers - The Sacred Circle is always there for you.  We are always and continuously held by the Divine Spirit, where there are such vast and plenteous resources for the drawing on!

with gratitude and love, peace and healing!

Untie the Strong Woman!

Today, December 12, 2017 is the Feast Day of Our Lady of Guadalupe.  It often slips by me without my being conscious of it, despite the devotion for her that has been growing within me over the last few years.  Not today. 

She is and has been calling to me, from the time I began making trips to the Our Lady of Guadalupe Abbey, a monastery in Pecos, New Mexico, in 1999.  She was instrumental in revealing the path of the Divine Feminine to me through my friend and colleague, Heather Neary of SHE (SHINE Heather Elizabeth).  She has made the archetype of the Black Madonna come alive for me through conversations with my beautiful spiritual friend from high school, Deb Shine Valentine, my Jungian studies, and the writings of Sue Monk Kidd, and Clarissa Pinkola Estes.  

Untie the Strong Woman is the name of Estes' collection of writings about the way Guadalupe's wild love for all of humankind has been revealed in our times, especially for the heart-broken and downtrodden, and especially for those who suffer because of the way the Feminine has been bound.   (Read on past her picture!)

The Strong Woman is most definitely being Untied!! 

I don't even watch, read, or listen to much news, but I can feel the rumblings that come with the revelations of sexual assault, harassment, and abuse that seem to just keep on emerging.  It is awful and wonderful.  It is disgusting and healing.  I am so humbled and grateful for the courage of all the women - and men - who are voicing these experiences.  We can no longer hide them from ourselves.  The truth is erupting from deep down.  

With these groans and cries that are ripping the blinders off of so many, comes not only exposure and witnessing, but also pain, anger, and grief.  I have had numerous conversations in the past 2 weeks with women - and men - on a healing path, whose own experience of sexual trauma have been triggered by what has been unearthed and spoken out in the media.  And I have it on my heart to speak to this.  With the help and support of Our Lady, Guadalupe.

Make no mistake - the voices of those who are speaking out are courageous and healing.  And the experience of anxiety, rage, disgust, flashbacks, overwhelming emotions, challenging though they may be, are part of the healing process.  Once something like this suddenly breaks the surface, when it has been buried or at least locked away for so long, it hurts!  Acknowledging it is only the first part of the journey of healing.  

So, if you are one of the ones who is remembering past sexual abuse, or feeling intensely about abuse you already knew was part of your past, or in any other way are being triggered by what the world is just now hearing, know you are not alone.  If you - or someone you know- is experiencing pain related to sexual abuse, the time is ripe for approaching that experience with compassion and caring.   

Here are some common responses when past sexual abuse is triggered:

• Remembering, reliving, or even "watching" an incident of trauma over and over again.                                                                                   

• Questions like, "Why didn't I tell someone?  Why don't I speak up about what's happened to me?  Am I to blame for not speaking up?"  (The answer is "NO!!!" There are SO many reasons why!)

• An overwhelm of feelings of shame, guilt, disgust, rage;  or intense anxiety, not knowing what feelings are deep within, and if they can be handled.  (They can be!)

• Sexually intimate relationships may become challenging.   

• Increased irritability that seems out of context, increased use of alcohol or drugs, or other numbing or distracting behaviors.

If any of this is going on for you, reach out to someone you trust to share your feelings and experience. 

Click here to reach out to me, or contact another Healer who understands how to guide you through a process, to do the inner work of healing your experience of abuse.   My intensive healing program Becoming Your Heart's Treasure is designed just for this kind of situation.  The Independent Study/Healing program,Anxiety - Doorway Into Your Heart is not specific to sexual abuse, but can definitely support you through any emotions or anxiety that are triggered.

Call out to Our Lady of Guadalupe to guide you and be with you, either as a manifestation of the Spirit speaking to and loving you directly, or as that Divine Mother intercessor.  We all have different ways of connecting with her - consider what that might be for you.  Let her prayer wrap around you and bring you comfort:

 ...I am truly your merciful Mother, yours and all the people who live united in this land and of all the other people of different ancestries, my lovers, who love me, those who seek me, those who trust in me. Here I will hear their weeping, their complaints and heal all their sorrows, hardships and sufferings.                          Our Lady of Guadalupe

As I write this article, I am holding space and energy of love, of comfort, and of hope for the healing of all who have had an experience of sexual abuse of any kind.   I believe I can speak for Our Lady, Guadalupe, that she is also here with us, loving us, encouraging us, and supporting us.  The healing is happening, my companions and friends, it is here!  Let us participate with open and committed hearts!

gratefully - Alisa

Alisa Carr, Eye of the Heart

Spiritual Director, LCSW, DreamWorker and Contemplative